RESOLVED

- Helena Osorio

Ari's Mom, aka Helena Osorio, best defines herself as the passionate #1 fan of, well, yes, Ari.  Since his birth in November of '07, Helena has turned all her energy, heart and efforts to being the best Mom she can be. That has meant numerous hours of research on how to teach him to fall asleep on his own, which stroller to buy, what early development classes to attend, and how to finally trust her instincts. In her "spare" time Helena works full time for JWT Advertising as a Broadcast Producer. She also keeps a blog, through which she shares her experiences as a new Mom. Helena lives in Miami, with Abraham her husband, Ari and their two dogs Mafaldo and Felipa. Helean is the mom behind HeleNation’s Megamama, one of the most popular Spanish language mom blogs on the Internet. You can visit her website at: Megamama.

When I suggested writing about New Year’s Resolution, I had a completely different idea in mind. Something light and funny, about how I never had vowed to do anything on a New Year’s. I  was going to write about how I saw people around me make plans and break them, while I was honest enough with myself to not even have one…

And then, right after Thanksgiving…I had a resolution. Yes, I, Helena Osorio, made a resolution…not only for New Year’s but for life.  I made a firm decision to take care of myself, to respect myself, to love myself, to trust myself, and to honor myself both inside and out.  To some people this might not be a tough resolution, but when you do not have a healthy self-esteem, and you don’t think you are loveable…you have to be resolved to change.

I have been battling with my weight for many years now. Ever since I was a child, I was told I was fat. I grew up with this image of a worthless person, who everybody made fun of and did not like because of her weight. I have been visiting dieticians since I was 9, my Mom would go…and so would I.  My weight has been one of the most difficult issues I have dealt with. I never felt truly accepted, I never felt loved, I have always had that “fat” label hanging somewhere around me and it has stopped me from taking care of myself…from dressing well to eating well to loving well.  And every time I felt pain, I would find refuge in Oreos, Chocolate Chip Cookies and Ben & Jerry’s.  It wasn’t lasting, it wasn’t permanent but it offered a quick fix. It made me feel good momentarily. Yes, I most certainly am a choc-a-holic.

I now look at pictures of when I was a child and a teenager, and yes, I was chubby. I am a big woman, with big bones, who will most probably never be anything less than a size 8. The pictures show a cute, melancholy looking girl,  but not fat or morbidly obese. I asked my sister : “Why did everyone say I was fat, when I wasn’t?”.

You see, around my family, “fat” has been the adjective to describe me. The first question asked by aunts, uncles, Grandmother has always been “is she still fat”? The answer: “Yes, she is”, with a lot of disappointment. In my family, my maternal family, beauty is measured by how much you weigh. Still to this day, the first thing my grandmother will say to describe a beautiful woman is that she is thin.  I am not thin, I am not beautiful. Forget that I am intelligent, and centered, and independent…I am fat.

When I was going to get married, everybody in my family was taken by surprise. I was the first one to wed, something no one expected. “Congratulations on your marriage, you better loose weight, before someone else steals him”. I honestly wish someone would have taken the time to explain how complicated marriage is, and not sent me on a diet.

And there I was. Not thin. “Still fat”. Growing up with a lot of other qualities about me, but not being able to show them. Not knowing how to get past this label, I grew fatter and fatter by the day…until I have ballooned at a very big number. NOW, I am a fat. NOW I can show them what fat is. I have hid behind my weight. I have turned to chocolate everytime I have felt sad, happy, overhelmed, loved, not loved, undecided.  I have buried myself so deep, I have not allowed myself to shine, to show myself, to say, “Hey I’m here!”, because I have always been afraid of the rejection, of the “fat” label..

Last year my son was born, a very healthy baby, full of gorgeous baby fat. I have been worried sick about “overfeeding” him. I want him to learn how to eat well, I want him to be healthy. I decided to cook for him, and give him real fruit, and stay away from uncle Gerber and corn starch. That is actually how I found Tastybaby, because I was cooking his own food, but I was also working a full time job, and even though I am married I was acting as a single mother while my husband was traveling for work…two and three months at a time.  Now I realize, that besides feeding him well, I have to lead by example. I have to eat fruits and veggies, and regular size portions.

This year, my shrink sat me down, and asked me to take care of myself. Asked me to loose the weight, asked me to love myself, asked me to better myself in every possible way I could find…for me and for my son. “Your son needs a healthy mother”, she said…A healthy mother? What did she mean? I am healthy! Right?

And then  I stopped by Target to buy a sweater, I took a couple of things into the dressing room, and I did something I usually never do. I looked in the mirror. And there I was, messy uncombed hair pulled back in a pony tail, no earrings, an old sweater, no makeup…and I asked myself…WHY? Why would you let yourself go around looking like this? Why would you not take care of yourself?  Love yourself Helena, you are worthy. Love yourself.  It was like the Universe spoke to me, and what better place than Target?

And so in that Target fitting room, I became a person with a resolution. Just in case you missed it, heere it goes again: I vowed to go to the doctor, to eat better, cut the chocolate, and respect myself. Learn to love myself, open myself to others, show them my feelings…show them I have more to offer than fat.

I have been doing exactly that slowly for a month now, yesterday I visited my endocrinologist…and was so happy to see I lost nine pounds in a month. I celebrated by having lunch at Wholefoods, and only eating half of it. This is something also unheard of in my life!! I am learning to listen to my body say I’m full. I am so proud of myself. I am learning to love myself, I am learning how to show my true self.

I am trying to accomplish my dream, to be a published author. I have knocked on doors, and I have shown my writing…something two years ago I could not do. I have always been so afraid of criticism, I have always been so removed from the talent and beauty I carry…I have not believed the people that have surrounded me and have said “you are a good writer”. “you are a good person”, “you are intelligent”, “you are loved”, “you are an amazing woman”. All that has always been replaced immediately by  “but she’s still fat”.

I am on my way to loosing the pounds, and gaining the confidence.

Thank you for letting me share this emotional rollercoaster with you, it makes it easier…because that is another thing I have learned, I can’t do everything by myself. I need the help. I am resolved.